My dream job is getting paid to dream
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me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.