My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
You Might Also Like
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?