Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
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The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.