Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
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if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Thursday Thought.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons