Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
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It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
What’s so funny?
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.