When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
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I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
There is no try. There is only give up.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Who chose this font
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman