Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
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“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.