Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
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I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
lmao
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Cause of death: Zumba
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…