It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
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dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Lmbo
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣