my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
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Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
listen closely
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*