Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
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“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
TRAIN’S HERE
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver