Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
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According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
I have never related to anyone more.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”