Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
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list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Ok but actually
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
My what?
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.