When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
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It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
S/o to @funTweeters .
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART