always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
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Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
necessity is the mother of invention
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it