I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
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I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior