Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
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The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Anyone really
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Trumpy Cat
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*