then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
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Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.