A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
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Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.