Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
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Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
lol
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.