*seductively corrects your posture*
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The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.