[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
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[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
My biological clock is wheezing.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.