quarantine day 3
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[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?