Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
You Might Also Like
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
groan^2
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’