My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
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There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
can’t bark with your mouth full
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”