Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
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The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me