She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
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First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Breaking news:
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked