Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
You Might Also Like
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Bro what is this
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes