#Caturday
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i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house