My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
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if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.