twitter users today:
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“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.