I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
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My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Salad is the decaf of food.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair