ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
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Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.