dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
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The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
🙄😏😂🤣
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.