Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
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Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.