Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
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“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid