*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
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Me too, bag. Me too….
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Every haunted house movie:
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Yes, this is exactly right
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!