[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
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thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
work smarter, not harder
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?