Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
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I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person