If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
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pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.