Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
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HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
I’m not alone. I have ants.