The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
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If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter