Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
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Name another movie that mislead you?
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
this isn’t threatening at all
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!