Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
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Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.