*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
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A woman drives into a bar.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous