*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
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CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.