If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
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Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?