[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
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I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I’ve had worse
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.