I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
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My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
This is hilarious….
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.