When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
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If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…